Cartoon Python and the Holy Grail
by Disneefreek
Summary: Fanmake of the 1975 film as well as the musical "Spamalot". When King SpongeBob and his knights Chowder, Jimmy, Stewie and Doug get a quest from God to find the Holy Grail, it leads them on a hilarious, musical adventure, involving minstrels, hot girls, taunting knights and more! Will they "look on the bright side of life" or will they find themselves "all alone"? Read to find out!
1. Of Swallows & Coconuts

Hey fanfic fans, it's Disneefreek with the first installment of an upcoming series. Get ready for an onslaught of total weirdness. This fanmake marks the arrival of **Cartoon Python! **And what better way to do that than with a parody of their first major movie? That's right it's time for a parody of Holy Grail!

* * *

**Cartoon Python and the Holy Grail**

**(Cärtøøn Pythøn ik den Hølie Gräilen)**

* * *

_**a fanmake of "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"**_

_**featuring the music from "Spamalot"**_

* * *

**Starring**

**(Wik)**

**SpøngeBøb SquärePänts as King Arthur**

**Pätrick Stär as Patsy**

**Sändy Cheeks as the Lady of the Lake**

**Chøwder Dääl as Sir Dennis Galahad**

**Jimmy Neutrøn as Sir Bedevere**

**Stewie Griffin as Sir Lancelot**

**Døug Funnie (alongside his loyal dog, Pørkchøp) as Sir Robin**

* * *

**Also Starring**

**(Alsø wik)**

**Nelsøn Muntz as the Black Knight**

**Pänini Endive as Zoot**

**Märmäläde (she's the girl Chowder meets in the episode "A Faire to Remember") as Dingo**

**Skeeter Välentine and Pätti Mäyønnäise as the Minstrels**

**Merlin (from Disney's The Sword in the Stone) as Tim the Enchanter**

**Puffy Fluffy (from the SpongeBob episode "A Pal for Gary") as the Killer Rabbit**

**Me as your Narrator**

**and a bunch of other people I don't wanna name, but you'll see later on**

* * *

**Not Appearing in This Fanfic**

**(Nøt wik)**

**Carl Wheezer**

**Sheen Estevez**

**Cindy Vortex**

**Mung Daal**

**You, duh**

**Anyone else that's not listed here**

* * *

**blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah**

* * *

**Camera Grip: SOME DUDE WITH A CAMERA**

**Sound Mixer: SOME DUDE WHO MIXES SOUND**

**Sound Maintenance: A ROLL OF DUCT TAPE**

**Dubbing: WAIT, THERE WAS DUBBING?**

**Sound Effects Dude: F. ECKS**

**The Dude Who Paid for This: THE MONOPOLY GUY**

**Assistants to the Monopoly Guy: THE CANNON, THE DOG, THE SHOE, THE IRON, THE CAR, THE STEAMBOAT...**

**Catering: MUNG DAAL CATERING and the KRUSTY KRAB**

**Choreography: TWO LEFT FEET CHOREOGRAPHERS**

**Guy who I Ripped Off most of these Names from: ORANGE RATCHET**

**Music by: DEWOLFE, NEIL INNES, ERIC IDLE, GRAHAM CHAPMAN & JOHN DU PREZ**

**Directed by: DISNEEFREEK**

* * *

**TOONGLAND: 2012 AD**

Riding out of the fog of the forest, we see a yellow sponge wearing a white shirt, brown pants, red tie, black belt and shoes, as well as a golden crown "riding a horse". This is King SpongeBob SquarePants, and with him, is a pink starfish wearing green-and-purple Bermuda shorts. This is Patrick Star, servant and friend to the King. Patrick is banging a couple of coconut halves together. Not like it sounds like a real horse, anyway. I mean, they're riding on GRASS. The sound a couple of coconut halves make when banged together like that is like a horse trotting on cobblestones. If he wants to do it right, he should fill the coconut halves with some sod-covered dirt and...

"GET ON WITH IT!" yelled SpongeBob and Patrick.

Sorry.

Soon, SpongeBob and Patrick were riding off again until they came upon a castle.

"Whoa there!" cried SpongeBob as his "horse" stopped.

From atop the castle, a soldier known as Peter Griffin peered down.

"Who goes there?"

SpongeBob: _**I am SpongeBob**_

_**King of the Britoons,**_

_**lord and ruler of all**_

_**Of Toongland and Scotland**_

_**and even bits of Gaul.**_

"Yeah, yeah, yeah", said Peter, "and I'm Emperor of Spain. Now bugger off!"

Patrick: _**He is SpongeBob,**_

_**King of the Britoons**_

_**and we are seeking out men.**_

_**Very strong and very able**_

SpongeBob: **_To sit at our very-very-very round table_**

"Now then", said SpongeBob, "we have ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of knights who will join me in my court at Toonelot. I must speak with your lord and master."

"Wait", said Peter, "you've ridden on a horse?"

"Yes!"

"You liar! You're using coconuts!"

"What?"

"You've got two coconut halves and you're bangin' em together!"

"So?" SpongeBob asked, a bit offended. "We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land, through the kingdom of Tooncea. Through..."

"Wait a minute", said Peter. "Where'd you get the coconuts?"

"We found em."

"Found them? In Tooncea? The coconut is obviously tropical!"

"What the heck are you talking about?"

"This _is _a temperate zone."

"Well, the swallow may fly south with the sun, or the house martin or the plover may seek warmer climes in winter, yet these are not strangers to our land."

"Are you saying coconuts migrate?"

"No. They could be carried."

"A _swallow_? Carrying a _coconut_?"

"It could grip it by the husk!"

"It's not a question of where he grips it, It's a simple question of weight ratios ... A five-ounce bird could not carry a one pound coconut."

"You know what?" said SpongeBob. "This doesn't even matter. Just go tell your master that SpongeBob of Toonelot is here?"

"Listen", said Peter, "in order to maintain airspeed velocity, a swallowneeds to beat its wings fourty three times every second. Right?"

"Please!" snapped SpongeBob, getting irritated.

"Am I right?"

"I'm not interested."

Then, another soldier, known as Glenn Quagmire, appeared.

"It could be carried by an African swallow!" said he.

"Oh yes!" said Peter. "An African swallow maybe ...but not a European swallow, that's my point."

"I agree with that."

"Will you just freakin' ask your master if he wants to join me at my court in Toonelot?" yelled SpongeBob.

"But then, of course", said Peter, taking no notice of SpongeBob, "African swallows are non-migratory."

"Oh yeah!" said Quagmire.

"Forget this", SpongeBob mumbled as he "rode" off with Patrick. Of course, the two soldiers took no notice of this.

"They couldn't even bring back a coconut anyways", said Peter.

"Maybe two swallows could carry it together?" Quagmire suggested.

"No, they'd have to have it on a line."

"Well, they'd just use a strand of creeper!"

"What, held under the dorsal guiding feathers?"

"Why not?"

* * *

Well, what an exciting way to open my newest adventure. And BTW, did you like the pun I used for "Britoons"? Get it? Brit-toons? Ah, I knew you wouldn't.

And that song SpongeBob and Patrick did was "King Arthur's Song" from _Spamalot_. You'll be hearing many songs from the show in this fanfic.

Well, then, see you next chapter!


	2. He is Not Yet Dead

Now then, here comes the next chapter, in which we meet two of our knights-Stewie and Doug.

* * *

This chapter takes place in a plague-ridden village. It was so plague-ridden, they had a guy just to come around to collect all the dead bodies.

One of these guys was a kid with a white shirt, green sweater-vest and khaki shorts. This guy was Doug Funnie. Alongside him were his two best friends/minstrels, one being a green-skinned kid in a red shirt with a lightning bolt on it and yellow shorts. This was Skeeter Valentine.

The other one was a girl with blonde hair, a blue shirt with pink polka dots, and a blue skirt. This was Doug's girlfriend, Patti Mayonnaise.

"Bring out your dead!" Doug called. "Bring out your dead!"

"Here's one!" called a baby with a football shaped head, a yellow shirt and red overalls. This baby was known as Stewie Griffin.

"Nine bucks", said Doug.

"I'm not dead", replied the body.

"What?" asked Doug.

"Nothing", hastily replied Stewie. "Here's your money."

"I'm not dead!" said the body again.

"He says he's not dead!" said Doug.

"Yes he is", said Stewie.

"I'm not!" said the body. "I feel fine! I feel happy!"

"Oh, stop being a baby", snapped Stewie.

Then, to everyone's surprise, the body began to sing.

Body: _**I am not dead yet**_

_**I can dance and I can sing**_

_**I am not dead yet**_

_**I can do the highland fling**_

_**I am not dead yet**_

_**No need to go to bed**_

_**No need to call the doctor**_

_**'Cause I'm not dead yet**_

Skeeter and Patti: _**He is not yet dead**_

_**That's what the geezer said**_

_**Oh, he's not yet dead**_

_**That man is off his head**_

_**He is not yet dead**_

_**Put him back in bed**_

_**Keep him off the cart because he's not yet dead**_

Then, Stewie whacked the body on the head, and he promptly fell.

Skeeter and Patti: _**Well now he's dad**_

_**You whacked him on the head**_

_**Sure now he's dead**_

_**It makes me just see red**_

_**You are such a brute**_

_**To murder that old coot**_

_**You homicidal bastard, now he's really dead**_

_**Who is the knave who put him in his grave**_

_**And who needs to manage his anger?**_

Stewie: _**My name is Stewie**_

_**I'm big and strong and hot**_

_**Occasionally I do**_

_**Some things that I should not**_

Doug: _**I wanna be a knight**_

_**But I don't like to fight**_

_**I'm rather scared I may**_

_**just simply run away**_

Stewie: **_I'll be right with you, Doug_**

**_Through and through and through_**

Doug: _**We'll remain good chums**_

_**You can teach me how to dance**_

Both: _**We're gonna enlist**_

Doug: _**I'm Doug!**_

Stewie: _**And I'm Stewie!**_

Stewie/Doug/Skeeter/Patti: _**Oh we're not dead yet**_

_**To Toonelot we go**_

_**To enlist instead**_

_**To try and earn some dough**_

_**And so although**_

_**We should have stayed in bed**_

_**We're going off to war**_

_**Because we're not yet dead**_

Stewie: _**To kill, I will**_

_**It gives me such a thrill!**_

Doug: _**To sing, to dance**_

_**and keep an eye on Stewie**_

All: **_We're goin' off to war_**

**_We'll have girlfriends (Patti: boyfriends) by the score_**

"We'll be shot by Michael Moore!" said Doug.

All: _**Cause we're not yet dead!**_

"Come on guys, let's go!" yelled Stewie. And off the four went to Toonelot. And as they went, they sang an army chant.

Stewie: _**I don't know, but it's been said**_

Others: _**I don't know, but it's been said**_

Stewie: _**We're off to war, 'cause we're not yet dead!**_

Others: _**We're off to war, 'cause we're not yet dead!**_

Stewie: **_Become a knight, and you'll go far_**

Others: **_Become a knight, and you'll go far_**

Stewie:**_ In suspenders and a bra!_**

Others: _**In suspenders...**_and a bra?

* * *

Well, I think that army chant could lead up to a revealing secret about Stewie. Oh, well, we'll have to wait and see.

In the next chapter, we'll meet another knight!

See ya then!


	3. The Constitutional Peasants

Now then, here comes the next chapter, in which we meet a poltic-crazed peasant.

* * *

A few leagues due west later, SpongeBob and Patrick find themselves passing through a grassy field with a castle standing a short distance away. Some workers are busily tending the field by harvesting filth. Mounds of it! Though why they would harvest filth is beyond me...

"GET ON WITH IT!" yelled SpongeBob and Patrick.

All right! Man, you people are pushy! Let's just skip to the dialogue.

"What's that?" asked Patrick.

"It looks like a castle of sorts", said SpongeBob. "Let's ask that peasant who lives there."

"Okay", said Patrick.

They rode up to a sprite with a mushroom hat, glasses, purple hair and a green dirty dress.

"Hey, old man!"

"Woman!" said the peasant.

"Woman, sorry", said SpongeBob. "Who lives in the castle over there?"

"Oh, and by the way", said the peasant. "I'm 50. I'm not old."

"Well, I can't just call you woman", said SpongeBob.

"You could try Truffles", said Truffles.

"I didn't know you were called Truffles."

"Well, you didn't bother to find out, didya?"

"Well, I did say sorry about the woman thing."

"What I object to is that you automatically treat me like an inferior."

"Well, I _am_ the King."

"Very nice. And how'd you get that?"

"We're still figuring that out", said Patrick.

"I'll tell you how!" snapped Truffles. "By exploiting the workers! By hanging on to outdated imperialist dogma which perpetuates the economic and social differences in our society! If there's EVER going to be any progress..."

Then, along came Truffles's husband, Mung Daal.

"Hello, Truffles", said Mung. "You gotta see this, there's like tons of dirt down here."

Then, he noticed SpongeBob and Patrick.

"How do you do?"

"How do you do, good sir", responded SpongeBob. "I am SpongeBob, King of the Britoons. Whose castle is that?"

"King of who?"

"The Britoons."

"Who are the Britoons?"

"We all are Britoons. And I am your king."

"I didn't know we had a king. I thought we were an autonomous collective..."

"You're lying Mung", said Truffles. "We're a dictatorship."

"There you go", said Mung, "bringing class into it..."

"Well, that's what it's all about. If only people would..."

"Hey, I am in good haste here", interrupted SpongeBob. "Who lives in the castle?"

"No one."

"Then, who's your lord?"

"We don't have one", said Mung.

"What?"

"I told you", said Truffles, "we're an anarcho-syndicalist commune."

"Yes."

"But all the decisions of that officer have to be ratified at a special biweekly meeting..."

"Yes."

"...by a simple majority in the case of internal affairs."

"OK, that's enough, thank you very much."

"But by a 2/3 majority in the case of..."

"SHUT UP! I ORDER YOU TO SHUT UP!"

"Order?" asked Mung. "Order? Who do you think you are?"

"I. AM. YOUR. KING!"

"I didn't vote for you."

"You don't vote for kings."

"Well, then, how did you become King?"

* * *

**FLASHBACK**

_We see a beautiful squirrel in a flowing green dress named Sandy appear out of a waterfall and give SpongeBob a sword._

_"Sandy Cheeks, the Squirrel of the Lake, her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite, held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water signifying by Divine Providence that I, SpongeBob, was to carry Excalibur. And that is why I am your king."_

* * *

"Wait," said Patrick. "I don't think it happened like that!"

SpongeBob gave Patrick a big "shut up" nudge.

"Listen you," said Truffles, "strange squirrels lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government! Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some SeaWorld ceremony."

"SHUT UP!"

"You can't expect to wield supreme executive power just 'cause some watery tart threw a sword at you!"

**"SHUT UP!" **

"I mean, if I went 'round saying I was an Emperess just because some moistened bint had lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away!"

This set SpongeBob off. He immediately ran over to Truffles and grabbed her by the collar and shooke her vigorously.

_**"SHUT UP, SHUT UP, FOR GOD'S SAKE, JUST SHUT UP!"**_

"And now, we see the violence in this thing."

_**"WHY WON'T YOU SHUT UP?"**_

"Help me! Help me! I'm being repressed!"

"Bloody freakin' peasant", SpongeBob muttered as he threw Truffles onto the ground.

* * *

Then, out came a lavender bunny-cat thing of about 20 (That's right, in this version, Chowder will be in his 20-something year old form, voiced by C.H. Greenblatt). He had watched the whole thing.

"Don't mind her, Your Highness", said the thing. "My name is Chowder Daal and that was my mentor's wife, Truffles "Dennis" Daal."

"Apology accepted", SpongeBob reluctantly said as he shook Chowder's hand.

"Hey, what's that?" asked Chowder, noticing the sword.

"This is Excalibur, the sword your "friend" over there mocked."

"I didn't say it was a bad sword", said Truffles. "I just said being given a sword by a magical bimbo shouldn't be a reason to think you have the right to lord over all of us."

"I can tolerate you insulting ME, but **NEVER** insult the Squirrel of the Lake!"

"Hey", said Patrick, "why don't we all go to the lake, and prove once and for all whether Sandy exists?"

"Wonderful idea, Patrick!" said SpongeBob.

"I call shotgun!" said Chowder as he hopped aboard a "horse". And off they "rode"!

* * *

Wow, quite a chapter. SpongeBob made two things-a friendship with Chowder and a rivalry with Truffles. But what will happen next? Find out in the next chapter!


	4. The Squirrel of the Lake

Now then, here comes the next chapter, in which we meet the most beautiful cast member of our story.

* * *

Soon, the guys arrived at the lake.

"Here we are", SpongeBob said.

"I don't see her", Truffles said. "Can we go now?"

"Truffles, wait just a moment."

SpongeBob went over the lake and said in a loud, dramatic voice, "O Squirrel of the Lake, please reveal to this dodging Chocolate..."

"Truffles!"

"..._Truffles_ that you are real!"

The water parted to reveal the squirrel I told you about in the flashback last chapter. This was Sandy Cheeks, the Squirrel of the Lake.

"Howdy, SpongeBob", said Sandy.

"Hi, Sandy", said SpongeBob. "I called you just to prove to that politics-crazed fairy over there that you are real."

"Wow...So, the stuff you told my brother was true after all. And he thought you were a nutjob."

"Which she is", coughed SpongeBob. Then, he said to Chowder, "Chowder, how would you like to be a knight?"

"I would love to!" said Chowder. "But only if you give a part for Truffles?"

Truffles smiled self-righteous.

"OK", said SpongeBob. "She can be your horse."

"WHAT?" yelled Truffles.

"Here", said SpongeBob, tossing her a pair of coconut halves.

"I hate you."

Then, SpongeBob pushed Chowder over to Sandy, who began to sing.

Sandy: _**Come with me**_

_**Come with me**_

_**Come with me**_

_**Sweet Chowder**_

_**You'll be a man-**_

_**Join SpongeBob's clan!**_

_**Come with me**_

_**And I will make you glad.**_

_**Chowder,**_

_**Sweet Chowder!**_

_**Be a knight, It's time to take your vow.**_

_**If you come with me now**_

_**I'll show you how.**_

"Oh, wow!" said Chowder in awe.

SpongeBob: _**I am SpongeBob, King of the Britoons**_

_**and we're seeking men who are able.**_

_**And so we're recruiting Chowder **_

_**to sit at our very, very, very round table.**_

Chowder came out of the waterfall in a royal purple outfit. He carried a purple shield which bore the shape of a golden medieval lion on it.

SpongeBob took out Excalibur and said "I dub thee, Sir Chowder, Knight of the Round Table!"

"Hooray!" cried everyone, except for Truffles.

"What is your first order of business, my liege?"

"Well, since you're not gonna be needed until a few scenes later, why don't you and your horse find some knights?"

"OK!" And with that, Chowder "rode" off with Truffles right behind him. Mung went back to his place.

And as for SpongeBob, Patrick and Sandy, they just stood there as SpongeBob came out on a boat.

"Hop aboard, Sandy", he said, offering a hand to her.

"So, what have you been doing?" asked Sandy.

"Trying to find knights to join me at the Round Table. It's not goin' well. And besides, sometimes I just think I just wanna sing a pointless song to ease my troubled mind."

"Really? How would that song go?"

SpongeBob: _**Once in every story,**_

_**there comes a song like this.**_

_**It starts out soft and low**_

_**then ends up with a kiss.**_

_**Where is the song**_

_**that goes like this?**_

"Where is it? Where is it? Where is it?" asked SpongeBob.

Sandy: _**A sentimental song**_

_**that casts a magic spell.**_

_**They all will hum along.**_

_**We'll overract like hell.**_

_**For this is the song**_

_**that goes like this.**_

"Yes, it is! Yes, it is! Yes, it is!" said Sandy.

SpongeBob: _**Now we can go straight**_

_**right down the middle eight,**_

_**a bridge that is too far for me**_

Sandy: _**I'll sing right in your face**_

_**as we both embrace**_

Both: _**And then, we change the key!**_

SpongeBob: **_Now we're into E_**

SpongeBob's voice cracked on that part.

SpongeBob: **_Ahem, that's way too high for me_**

Sandy: _**But as everyone can see**_

_**we should have stayed in D**_

Both: _**For this is the song that goes like this**_

SpongeBob: **_I'm feeling very proud_**

Sandy:** _You're singing way too loud_**

SpongeBob: _**But that's the way this song goes**_

Sandy: _**You're standing on my toes**_

Both: _**Singing the song that goes like this**_

Then, the key changed again.

Sandy: _**I can't believe there's more**_

SpongeBob: **_It's far too long, I'm sure_**

Sandy: _**That's the trouble with this song**_

_**It goes on and on and on**_

Both: _**For this is the song that is too long!**_

Then, the key changed again.

_**"OH, COME ON!"**_ yelled SpongeBob.

Sandy: _**We'll be singing this till dawn!**_

SpongeBob: _**You'll wish that you weren't born!**_

Sandy: _**Let's stop this damn**** refrain**_

Both: _**Before we go insane!**_

_**The song always ends like this!**_

SpongeBob and Sandy fainted after finishing the song.

"Man", SpongeBob, "that song was longer than I expected."

"I think it's best you continued on your adventure", said Sandy.

"That's a good idea", said SpongeBob. "See ya later!"

SpongeBob and Patrick "rode" off into the next chapter.

* * *

Up next, SpongeBob's epic fight with Nelson, the Black Knight. See ya then!


	5. Nelson the Black Knight

Now then, here comes the next chapter, in which we meet the Black Knight.

* * *

SpongeBob and Patrick rode through the forest.

"Oh, and BTW, Mr. Narrator", said Patrick. "On a vote of 2-0, we henceforth declare that during this or any other scene that takes place in a forest we hereby call:

_No-Skipping-Through-the-Forest-While-Linking-Arms-and-Chanting-Lions-and-Tigers-and-Bears-Oh-My!_"

Dang it!

"Yeah", said SpongeBob. "Even Patrick voted on that!"

Anyways, as SpongeBob and Patrick traveled through the forest, not skipping and definitely not chanting "Lions and tigers and bears, oh my!" even though I really wanted to include a "Wizard of Oz" reference, they heard the sound of two dudes fighting. One of them was a knight in blue armor, and the other was Nelson, the dreaded Black Knight.

To spoil things, Nelson killed the blue knight. SpongeBob was definitely impressed.

"You fight with the strength of many, Sir Knight. I am SpongeBob, King of the Britoons, and I seek the finest and bravest Knights in the land to join me at my court in Toonelot. You have proved yourself worthy. Will you join me?"

But yet, Nelson gave no response.

"You make me sad. Oh, well. Come, Patrick."

"None shall pass", boomed Nelson.

"What?"

"None shall pass."

"I have no quarrel with you, but I must get through."

"Then you're gonna die."

"Can't we just step across the river?" asked Patrick.

"Not the point! I command you, as King of Britoons, to stand aside!"

"I move for no sponge."

"So be it. En garde!"

SpongeBob whipped out Excalibur and began to duel with Nelson. Oh, it was a good battle, a battle that ended when SpongeBob chopped off one of Nelson's arms!

"I win", SpongeBob said.

"It's only a scratch", said Nelson.

"Your arm's off!"

"I've had worse."

"You're insane!"

"Insane, am I? Come at me, you cupcake!"

They dueled again and SpongeBob chopped off Nelson's other arm.

"I win again", said SpongeBob. Then, he kneeled down and began to pray, but was soon interrupted by Nelson kicking him.

"Have at you!"

"Are you kidding? The fight is mine!"

"No it is not."

"Look, idiot, you've got no arms left!"

"It's a flesh wound", said Nelson as he kicked SpongeBob.

"Stop it!"

"Chicken! Chicken!"

SpongeBob chopped off Nelson's leg.

"I'll kill you for that!"

"Yeah right", SpongeBob snarked. "What are you gonna do? Bleed on me?"

"I'm invicible!"

"You're insane! As soon as this battle's done, I shall personally send two specialists to take you to the Toonelot Home for the Mentally Loony."

"Nelson always triumphs! HA-HA!"

SpongeBob chopped off Nelson's other leg. So now, he was just a head and torso.

"We'll call it a draw."

"There we go. Let's go, Patrick."

And off they rode!

"Oh, oh, I see. Running away, eh? You yellow bastards!" yelled Nelson as two specialists from the Toonelot Home for the Mentally Loony came and put him in their cart. "Come back here and take what's coming to you! I'll bite your legs off!"

* * *

Up next, we meet the wise Sir Jimmy and see his method of proving if a woman's a witch. See ya then!


	6. A Witch! A Witch!

Now then, here comes the next chapter, in which we meet Sir Jimmy.

* * *

This chapter takes place in a village that is not ridden with plague. But there are a couple monks chanting and hitting themselves on the head with planks.

Monks: _**Pie Jesu Domine, dona eis requiem**_

_***bonk***_

_**Pie Jesu Domine...**_

_***bonk***_

_**...dona eis requiem...**_

_***bonk***_

_**Pie Jesu Domine...**_

_***bonk***_

_**dona eis requiem...**_

_***bonk***_

All of a sudden, if you were there, you would have heard: "A WITCH! A WITCH! WE FOUND A WITCH! A WITCH! BURN HER! BURN THE WITCH!"

Dragging a girl named Samantha (Bewitched) through the streets were eight kids. They were known as Matt Flynn-Fletcher, Candace Flynn, Phineas Flynn, Ferb Fletchers, Merida, Hubert, Hamish and Harris.

Standing on a barrel was a kid with huge brown hair, wearing a royal red uniform with a neutron symbol on it. He also carried a half-red, half-white shield with the same neutron symbol on it. This was Jimmy Neutron. He was currently trying to tie a coconut to a swallow to prove the myth that coconuts migrate, when he was interrupted by the kids.

"Hey Jimmy", said Candace. "We found a witch! Can we burn her?"

"BURN HER! BURN HER!" yelled the others.

"How do you know she's a witch?"

"She looks like one", said Merida.

"Bring her forward."

"I'm not a witch!" said Samantha.

"You're dressed like one."

"They dressed me up like this."

"No, we didn't", denied the others.

"And this is a fake nose."

Jimmy examined her and sure enough, it was fake.

"Well?"

"We did do the nose", Matt admitted. "And the hat. But she's still a witch!

"YEAH! BURN HER! BURN HER!" yelled the others.

"Did you dress her up like this?" asked Jimmy.

"No...", Ferb said. "Yes, a bit. But she's got a wart!"

"Wait, what makes you think she's a witch?"

"She turned me into a newt!" said Phineas.

"A newt?"

Phineas took some time to respond, and this was his response: "I got better".

"BURN HER ANYWAY!" yelled Ferb.

"BURN HER! BURN HER! BURN THE WITCH!" yelled the others.

"Guys, there are ways of telling whether she's a witch."

"Are there?" asked Merida.

"Tell us!" Matt and Candace cried.

"Do they hurt?" Ferb asked.

"What do you do with witches?" Jimmy asked.

"BURN THEM!" everyone yelled.

"What else do you burn?"

"MORE WITCHES!" yelled Candace.

"Wood!" said Matt.

"So", Jimmy said, "why do witches burn?"

"Because, they're made of wood?" the triplets asked.

"Good job, you three", Jimmy said.

"Oh yeah", Merida said. "I forgot about that."

"So, how do we tell if she's made of wood?"

"Build a bridge outta her!" said Phineas.

"Can you not also build bridges out of stone?"

"Oh yeah."

"Does wood sink in water?"

"No, it floats", said Matt.

"Let's throw her into the pond!" Hubert said.

"What else floats in water?" asked Jimmy.

"Uh...Bread!" Matt said.

"Apples!" Candace suggested.

"Uh, very small rocks", Phineas said.

"Cider!" Ferb said.

"Cherries!" Merida said.

"Gravy!" Hubert said.

"Mud!" Hamish said.

"Churches!" Matt suggested.

"Lead!" Harris said.

"A duck!" called SpongeBob, who had been watching the whole thing.

"Exactly!" Jimmy said. "So..."

"If..." Matt said, "...she weighs the same...as a duck...she's made of wood!"

"And therefore?" Jimmy asked.

"A WITCH!" called the triplets.

"A WITCH! A WITCH! GET A DUCK!" yelled everyone.

"Let's use my largest scales", Jimmy said, as the kids dragged Samantha to a strange contraption made to look like a scale. They placed her in one compartment and a duck in the other.

"Remove the supports!" called Jimmy.

The supports were removed, and they moved a bit, but Samantha was the same weight as the duck!

"A WITCH! A WITCH! BURN HER! BURN THE WITCH!" yelled everyone.

"It's a fair cop", Samantha muttered as the kids dragged her off.

"Who are you?" Jimmy asked.

"I am SpongeBob, King of Britoons."

"My liege!"

"Good sir Knight, will you join me at the Round Table of Toonelot?"

"Did someone say Round Table?" Matt asked, as he and the others had just finished burning the witch.

"Can we come, too?" Merida asked, hopefully.

"Sure you can!" SpongeBob said. "Now then, what is your name?"

"Jimmy, my liege. Jimmy Neutron."

"Then", SpongeBob said, pulling out Excalibur, "I dub thee Sir Jimmy, Knight of the Round Table!"

* * *

A hand opens a book reading "The Book of the Fanfiction".

_"The wise Sir Jimmy was the first to join King SpongeBob's knights. But more illustrious names were soon to follow. _

_Sir Stewie the Brave,_

_Sir Chowder the Pure,_

_Sir Matthew the Just,_

_Lady Candace the Hot-headed,_

_Sir Phineas the Inventor,_

_Sir Ferb the Speechless,_

_Lady Merida the Valiant,_

_Sirs Hubert, Hamish and Harris the Mischievous,_

_Sir Doug, the-not-quite-so-brave as Sir Stewie, who had nearly fought the Dragon, Maleficent, who had slain the vicious Ernie, Chicken of Quahog, and who had personally wet himself at the Battle of Port Royale_

_and the aptly named Sir Not-Appearing-in-this-Fanfiction._

_Together, they formed a band whose names and deeds were to be retold throughout the centuries-the Knights of the Round Table._

* * *

Up next, a big pointless musical number! Stay tuned!


	7. Knights of the Round Table

Now then, here comes the next chapter, in which we have a big pointless musical number.

* * *

All the knights were riding along. And by that, I mean just pretending to ride a horse as Patrick and Truffles were making the noise. However, Merida and Matt were riding the former's horse, Angus. Up at the front, SpongeBob and Sir Jimmy were deep in conversation.

"...and that, my liege", explained Jimmy, "is how we know the Earth is banana-shaped."

"Wow, this so-called "learning" amazes me!" said SpongeBob. "Can you explain again how sheep stomachs are used to prevent earthquakes?"

"Of course."

"Look, my liege!" Stewie said, pointing towards...the Castle of Toonelot!

"Toonelot!" SpongeBob cried.

"Toonelot!" Chowder said.

"Toonelot!" Stewie said.

"It's only a model!" Patrick mumbled.

"Shh", said SpongeBob, overhearing. "Knights, I bid you welcome to your new home. Let us ride to...Toonelot!"

* * *

**INSIDE TOONELOT**

A big feast is going on inside Toonelot. All the knights are dancing and singing.

Knights: _**We're Knights of the Round Table**_

_**We dance when e're we're able**_

_**We do routines and chorus scenes**_

_**with footwork impecc-able**_

_**We dine well here in Toonelot**_

_**We eat ham and jam and spam a lot.**_

_**Spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam...**_

Ferb: **_Lovely spam, wonderful spam!_**

Knights: **_We're Knights of the Round Table_**

**_Our shows are for-midable_**

**_But many times, we're given rhymes_**

**_that are quite unsing-able_**

**_We're opera mad in Camelot_**

**_We sing from the diaphragm a loooooooooot..._**

And now, they dance. While hanging by his elbows in the castle dungeon, a prisoner starts clapping in time to the music and smiling. And now, after a pointless break from the dancing, they dance. They tap-dance. They play the drums using a pair of ladles for drumsticks and metal pots and a passing servant's head for drums. I bet that hurts. They break cheap imitation-rosewood tables as they dance. They dance the Can-can. Very nice. They do the Hokey-pokey and they turn themselves around, because, after all, that's what it's all about. At any rate, they cavort about like a bunch of...

"GET ON WITH IT!" yelled everyone.

Well, to make a long story short, they dance.

Knights: _**In war we're tough and able**_

_**Quite indefatigable**_

_**Between our quests, we sequin vests**_

_**and impersonate Clark Gable.**_

_**It's a busy life in Camelot.**_

"And I have to push the pram a lot!" said Ferb, a bit disappointed.

Then, for some reason, Sandy came in and she joined in the dance. Then, everyone went over to a giant slot machine, and they hit the jackpot.

"WE WON!"

Knights: _**We're Knights of the Round Table**_

_**We dance when e'er we're able**_

_**We do routines and gory scenes**_

_**That are too hot for cable**_

_**We eat ham and jam**_

_**Ham and jam**_

_**We eat ham and jam and Spam a lot...**_

_**SPAMALOT!**_

Confetti burst out of the cannons that were in the Castle. After holding a pose for quite some time, SpongeBob double taked at what happened.

"On second thought," he told the knights, "let's not stay here. This is a silly place."

"Right", said the knights.

And off they rode.

* * *

Up next, they get a quest! Stay tuned to find out what it is!


	8. Find Your Grail

Now then, here comes the next chapter of SpongeBob's medieval adventure.

* * *

After King SpongeBob and his knights left Toonelot, he, his Knights of the Round Table and the others were wandering aimlessly, not really knowing what to do next.

All of a sudden, a loud thundering boom explodes within the clouds overhead. Everyone stares skyward as the clouds begin to open and angels begin to sing.

_"SpongeBob...SpongeBob...King of the Britoons..."_

Everyone looked up and stared with eyes wide as plates. God was talking to THEM!

They immediately bowed down

"Please don't grovel, guys! If there's one thing I can't stand, its people groveling!"

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, it's just..." SpongeBob said as he was getting up.

"And stop apologizing! You don't have to do that. Besides, every single time I try to talk to someone, it's always "sorry this" and "forgive me that" and "I'm not worthy"..." God said as SpongeBob averted his eyes. "SpongeBob, what are you doing now?"

"I'm averting my eyes, O Lord."

"Don't do that, SpongeBob, please! It's like those miserable Psalms in the Bible... they're so depressing. Now cut that out!"

"Yes, sir," Tommy said, looking up at God.

"Right", God said. "SpongeBob, King of the Britoons, your Knights of the Round Table shall have a task to make them an example in these dark times."

SpongeBob then said with enthusiasm, "Good idea, O Lord!"

"Of course it's a good idea, I'm GOD, you idiot!" God yelled. "Behold!"

All of a sudden, the clouds opened up to reveal a hologram of a grail shaped cup. "SpongeBob, this is the Holy Grail."

"Wow..." SpongeBob said in surprise.

"Look well, SpongeBob, for it is your sacred task to seek this grail. That is your purpose, SpongeBob, the quest for the Holy Grail. And you better get moving, because the readers don't have all stinking year!" God said, looking towards you.

And with that, God left.

"A blessing! Did you hear that, Rupert?" cried Stewie, turning to his faithful teddy bear. "It's a blessing from the Lord!"

"God be praised!" Chowder cried.

"Well, where do we start finding the Grail?" Patrick asked.

"Who knows?" Skeeter said.

"Guys, look! The Goblet," Doug pointed.

"Where?"

"There!" Doug said as everyone looked to see a hologram shaped Holy Grail being held... by Sandy.

The Laker Girls then appeared and started to harmonize as Sandy came out and smiled, looking at SpongeBob as she smiled.

Sandy: **_If you trust in your song_**_**  
**_**_Keep your eyes on the goal_**_**  
**_**_Then the prize you won't fail_**_**  
**_**_That's your grail_**_**  
**_**_That's your grail_**_**  
**_**_So be strong_**_**  
**_**_Keep right on_**_**  
**_**_To the end of your song_**_**  
**_**_Do not fail_**_**  
**_**_Find your grail_**_**  
**_**_Find your grail_**_**  
**_**_Find your grail_**_**  
**_**_Life is really up to you_**_**  
**_**_You must choose what to pursue ohh yeeeah_**_**  
**_**_Set your mind on what to find_**_**  
**_**_And there's nothin' you can't doooo_**_**  
**_**_So keep right to the end_**_**  
**_**_You'll find your goal my friend_**_**  
**_**_You won't fail_**_**  
**_**_Find your grail_**_**  
**_**_Find your grai-a-a-a-ail_**_**  
**_**_Find your grail_**

Everyone smiled as they did a wave, as SpongeBob smiled.

Company: **_Find your grail_**_**  
**_**_Find your grail_**

SpongeBob: **_When your life seems to drift_**_**  
**_**_When we all need a lift_**_**  
**_**_Tell yourself you won't fail_**_**  
**_**_Find your grail_**_**  
**_**_Find your grail_**_**  
**_**_Life is really up to you_**_**  
**_**_You must choose what to pursue_**_**  
**_**_Set your mind on what to find_**_  
_  
Sandy: **_And there's nothin' you can't do_**_**  
**_**_You can't do_**_**  
**_**_Dooooo!_**

Sandy and the others than sang at the same time in different choruses.

Sandy and Company: **_So keep right to the end_**

Company: **_You'll find your goal my friend _**_**  
**_**_Find your grail!_**_**  
**_**_You won't fail_**_**  
**_**_Find your grail_**_**  
**_**_Find your grail_**_**  
**_**_Find your grail!_**

Sandy: **_Ohhhh_**_**  
**_**_You'll find it!_**_**  
**_**_You'll find it!_**_**  
**_**_YEEEEAH!_**_**  
**_**_You gotta keep on_**_**  
**_**_Goin round! _**_**  
**_**_Goin round!_**_**  
**_**_Cause I know _**_**  
**_**_YEEEEEEAAAH!_**

All: _**Find your grail!**_

"Well", SpongeBob said, "thanks for the song, Sandy! See you soon!"

And thus, the quest began!

* * *

Up next, SpongeBob and his knights have to deal with the tauntings of L.O.V.E.M.U.F.F.I.N.-the League of Villainous Evildoers Manaically United for Frightening Investments in Naughtiness. See ya then!


	9. The LOVEMUFFIN Taunters

Now then, here comes the part where the knights have to face the L.O.V.E.M.U.F.F.I.N. Taunters.

* * *

The quest for the Holy Grail had just begun...but I told you that already, did I? Anyway, they end up at another castle. The fog from before has appear, but not as badly this time, only a thin layer of once.

"Halt!" called SpongeBob as the knights made a line with him. Patrick stepped up to the front of the line, took out a trumpet, and made a noise that sounded like a duck choking on a bike horn.

"Hello!" called SpongeBob up to the castle.

No one answered.

"Hello!" called SpongeBob again.

"Hello!" called a person from the castle. He had brown hair, a pointed nose, wore black and had a white lab coat. He's Heinz Doofenshmirtz, leader of the League of Villainous Evildoers Maniacally United for Frightening Investments in Naughtiness, or L.O.V.E.M.U.F.F.I.N. "Who is it?"

"My name is King SpongeBob and these are my Knights of the Round Table." SpongeBob explains to the guards. "And whose castle is this?"

"The castle of my master and brother, Roger", said Doofenshmirtz in a jealous way. "For I am Heinz Doofenshmirtz!"

"OK", said SpongeBob. "Go tell your master that God has given us a sacred quest. If he'll take us in for the night, he can join us in our quest for the Holy Grail."

"I would", said Heinz, "but he's already got one."

"What?"

"He says they've already got one", said Chowder.

"Are you sure he's got one?"

"Oh, yes, it's very nice", Heinz told them. Then he turned to his fellow evildoers. "I told him we already got one."

The others snickered.

"Could we come up and take a look?"

"No way!" Heinz said. "You are good-guy types."

"Then who are you?" asked Matt.

"I am a member of the League of Villainous Evildoers Manaically United for Frightening Investments in Naughtiness or...L.O.V.E.M.U.F.F.I.N.!"

"What are you doing in Toongland?" asked Chowder.

"None of your beeswax!" Heinz snapped.

SpongeBob whipped out Excalibur and pointed it at Heinz. "If you do not show us the Grail, we're gonna take your castle by force!"

"You don't frighten us, good-guy pig-dogs!" Heinz said. Then, he began to taunt them. "Go and boil your bottoms, sons and daughters of a silly person. I blow my nose at you, so-called SpongeBob-king, you and all your silly good-guys kannnniggets."

Then, he slapped his hands against his helmet, and blew a raspberry.

"What a strange person", Merida told Matt.

"Now, look here, my good man..." SpongeBob began.

"I don't wanna talk to you, no more, you empty-headed animal food trough wiper. I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries."

"Is there someone else up there we could talk to?" Chowder asked.

"No." Heinz told him. Then he turned to SpongeBob. "Now, go away, or I'm gonna taunt you a second time!"

"Fair enough", said Ferb.

"Onward!" said Stewie.

"No!" snapped SpongeBob. "We're gonna go storm the castle!"

"I love storming stuff!" Stewie said excitedly.

"This is your last chance!" SpongeBob said, warning the taunters.

"Get the cow", Heinz told the others.

"What?" asked Rodney, one of his fellow evildoers.

"Get the cow", Heinz repeated.

"If you do not agree to my commands then I shall...oh my God!" SpongeBob said in shock, as a cow came flying over the battlements...and onto Truffles!

"I hate you!" Truffles said, turning to the narrator.

"CHARGE!" yelled SpongeBob, as everyone, with swords ablaze, came ready to storm the castle. While Stewie went inside the Castle, the others stayed behind ready to break through the walls.

But L.O.V.E.M.U.F.F.I.N. threw more farm animals onto the knights.

"This is for your mother..." Heinz said. "And this is for your dad!"

"RUN AWAY!" yelled SpongeBob.

And everyone ran away, yelling "RUN AWAY!"

* * *

**INSIDE THE CASTLE**

As Stewie got ready to get the evildoers from behind, he noticed a young girl named Dani tied up.

"Are you okay?" asked Stewie.

"Those guys have held me hostage!" said Dani. "Thank God you're here!"

"Here", said Stewie, untying her. "Come on! Let's get out of here!"

* * *

Stewie and Dani joined the guys as they, well, ran away...in song!

Everyone: _**Run away, run away!**_

SpongeBob: _**Run away from the stench and the trenches!**_

Knights: _**Run away! Run Away!**_

Jimmy: _**From these horrible, nasty old Diamond Dog-shes!**_

Doug: _**These frogs and their terrible prattle, are fighting a battle with cattle!**_

Stewie: _**We're all full of fear so let's get out of here!**_

Knights: _**Run away, run away, run away!**_

Heinz: _**You blanklings all are buggerfolk **__**  
**__**Your mothers all are ruggerfolk **__**  
**__**Your army is a bloody joke **__**  
**__**You couldn't beat an artichoke**__**  
**__**If battle you choose to renew **__**  
**__**We'll taunt you 'til you all turn blue **__**  
**__**We turn our behinds as you part **__**  
**__**In your direction we all far...t!**_

Then, a herd of hot can-can dancers came out and advanced on it, hoping to get the men and hold them hostage. Since they held up their dresses rather high while they danced, no man could resist that! But the Knights were bold and strong, and didn't give in.

Knights: _**Run away! **__**  
**__**Run away! **__**  
**__**Run away! **__**  
**__**Run-run-run-run-run-run away! **__**  
**__**Run away! **__**  
**__**Run away! **__**  
**__**Run away, run, run away!**_

When they found refuge behind a large bush, Stewie was ready to go back to fight the evil.

"Stay here, guys!" said Stewie. "I'll tear those fiends apart!"

"No, no, no!" yelled SpongeBob, restraining him.

"Sir", said Jimmy. "I have a plan!"

* * *

**MANY TEDIOUS HOURS LATER**

A loud squeaking was heard rolling towards the evil's castle. The squeaking came from...the Trojan Rabbit!

Heinz inspected it. A note read

_"Take this a peace treaty between good and evil._

_Love,_

_King SpongeBob and the Knights of Toonelot"._

"Well", said Heinz, "let's bring it in."

The knights eagerly watched as they brought the rabbit in.

"Now what?" asked SpongeBob.

"Well now," Jimmy explained, "Stewie, Chowder and I wait until nightfall and then leap out of the rabbit, taking the French by surprise. Not only by surprise...but totally unarmed!"

"Who leaps out again?" asked SpongeBob.

"Stewie, Chowder and I...leap out, and, uh..."

Everyone facepalmed. How could they get into the rabbit without the others noticing?"

"Uh, look", Jimmy said hastily, "if we built this large wooden badger..."

SpongeBob slapped him. Then, they heard a springing sound.

The rabbit was flying over the castle and onto the knights!"

"RUN AWAY!" yelled everyone.

Everyone: _**RUN AWAY!**__**  
**__**Run away! Run away!**_

SpongeBob: _**It seems like a helpful solution**_

Knights: _**Run away! Run away!**_

SpongeBob: _**To avoid this bad-guy revolution!**__**  
**__**We're stuck in a nasty position **__**  
**__**Why don't you take a short intermission? **__**  
**__**Have a drink and a snack, **__**  
**__**We'll be back on the right track...**_

"We've still got more", said Patrick.

SpongeBob: _**Darn!**_

Knights: _**Run away run away run run run run run away, run awaaaaaaaaay!**_

"And hopefully", said SpongeBob, "we won't have to put up with those evil freaks anymore!"

* * *

Up next, we hear the first tale of one of the knights. Stay tuned!


	10. The Tale of Sir Doug

Now then, let's all hear the tale of Sir Doug. Oh, and note that the whole "police investigation" thing is gonna be dropped from this fanfic, so let's just continue.

* * *

Defeat at the castle seems to have utterly disheartened King Arthur. The ferocity of the L.O.V.E.M.U.F.F.I.N. taunting took him completely by surprise and Arthur became convinced that a new strategy was required if the quest for the Holy Grail were to be brought to a successful conclusion. Arthur, having consulted his closest knights, decided that they should separate, and search for the Grail individually. Now, this is what they did.

* * *

**THE TALE OF SIR DOUG**

So, each of the knights went their seperate ways. Sir Doug rode north through the Dark Forest of Ewing, accompanied by his girlfriend and his best friend/minstrel.

Doug was gallantly riding along as Skeeter banged a tambourine and sang.

Skeeter: _**Bravely bold Sir Doug rode forth from Toonelot**_

_**He was not afraid to die, O brave Sir Doug**_

_**He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways**_

_**Brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Doug!**_

_**He**** was not in the least bit scared to be mashed into a pulp**_

_**or to have his eyes gouged out and his elbows broken**_

_**To have his kneecaps split and his body burned away**_

_**and his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Sir Doug**_

_**His head smashed in and his heart cut out**_

_**and his liver removed and his bowels unplugged**_

_**and his nostrils raped and his bottom burned off**_

_**and his penis split and his...**_

"That's enough music for now, Skeeter", said Doug. "Looks like there's dirty work afoot."

They rode on, ignoring the signs reading "CERTAIN DEATH AHEAD" and "TURN BACK". Then, they came across...three guys from Organization XIII-Axel, Xigbar and Xemnas.

"Halt!" they said. "Who art thou?"

Skeeter: _**He is brave Sir Doug, brave Sir Doug, who...**_

"Shut up", Patti told him.

Doug said, "I'm no one really. I'm just passing by."

"What do you want?" the three guys said.

Skeeter: _**To fight and...**_

"Shut up!" Patti said again.

Doug hastily replied, "I just want to pass through."

"I'm afraid not."

"Well, I am a Knight of the Round Table."

"You're a Knight of the Round Table?" the three guys asked in shock.

"Yes."

"In that case, I'm gonna kill you", Axel said, brandishing his sword.

"Shall I?" Xigbar asked.

"I don't think so", Xemnas said.

"What do I think?" Xigbar asked.

"Let's kill him!" Axel said.

"Let's be nice to him", Xemnas said.

"Shut up", Axel told Xemnas.

"Perhaps, you could..." Doug suggested.

"And you!" Xigbar said.

"Get the Keyblade!" Axel said. "I wanna cut his head off!"

"Cut your own head off!" Xemnas said.

"Yes", Xigbar said, "do us all a favor."

"Yapping on all the time", Xemnas said, shaking his head.

"You're lucky, Xemnas", Xigbar said. "You're not next to him."

"What do you mean?" Axel said.

"You snore!"

"I don't! And besides, you have bad breath."

"That's because you don't brush my teeth."

"Oh, stop bitching and let's go have coffee", Xemnas said.

"All right, all right, all right!" Axel said. "We'll kill him and then have coffee and donuts."

"Yes", Xigbar said.

"Wait", Xemnas said, "no donuts."

"All right", Axel said, "no donuts, but let's kill him anyway!"

"Right!" The guys with the X-names said.

They looked around, and found he wasn't there anymore.

"He's buggered off!" Xigbar said.

"So he has", Xemnas said. "He's scarpered!"

* * *

Skeeter was singing a triumphant tune, but Patti and Doug weren't happy with the lyrics.

Skeeter: _**Brave Sir Doug ran away**_

"No!" Doug said.

Skeeter: _**Bravely ran away, away**_

"He didn't!" Patti said.

Skeeter: _**When danger reared its ugly head**_

_**He bravely turned his tail and fled**_

"No!" Doug said.

Skeeter: **_Yes, brave Sir Doug turned about_**

"He didn't!" Patti said.

Skeeter:**_ And gallantly he chickened out_**

_**Bravely taking to his feet**_

"I never did!" Doug said.

Skeeter: _**He beat a very brave retreat**_

"All lies!" Patti said.

Skeeter: _**Bravest of the brave, Sir Doug!**_

"I never!" Doug said.

* * *

Up next, the tale of Sir Chowder. Stay tuned!


	11. The Tale of Sir Chowder

Time for another tale of a knight!

* * *

**THE TALE OF SIR CHOWDER**

Chowder, joined by Phineas, Ferb, and the triplets, were pushing their way through a terrible storm. All seemed lost, until...

"The Grail!" yelled Chowder in excitement. Yes, indeed, the Grail was shining over a castle.

The men ran over to the Castle's doors.

"Open the door!" Chowder yelled. "In the name of King SpongeBob, open the door!"

The doors opened and they fell in.

"Hello", said a voice belonging to a pink rabbit with a yellow dress on.

"Welcome, gentle Sir Knights", the girl said. "Welcome to the Castle Thumbtax."

"The Castle Thumbtax?" asked Phineas.

"Yeah", said the girl, a bit guilty. "The name sucks. Oh, but we're nice and we'll attend to your every need."

"Wait", said Ferb, "so you're the keepers of the Holy Grail?"

"The what now?"

"The Grail", Ferb repeated. "It's here?"

The girl hesitated a bit, and then said, "Oh, I bet you're tired. You must rest a while. Jessica! Minerva!"

A beautiful girl wearing a red dress and purple gloves and a white mink wearing a blue gown ran over.

"Yes, O Panini?" they said.

"Prepare a bed for our guests", the girl who we now know as Panini said.

"Oh, thank you!" Jessica and Minerva groveled.

"Away, varletesses!" Panini said, shooing them off, before turning to Chowder and the rest.

"The beds here are soft, warm...and _huge_."

"Well, look", Chowder began, "We..."

"What is your name?" Panini asked him.

"Sir Chowder", Chowder replied, "the Chaste. And this is Sir Phineas the Inventor, Sir Ferb the Speechless and Sirs Hubert, Hamish and Harris, the Mischievous."

"Mine is Panini", Panini replied. "Just Panini. Now come with me."

"Look", Chowder said, "just show us the Grail and no one will get hurt!"

"Sir Chowder", Panini said in shock, "you wouldn't be so ungallant as to refuse our hospitality?"

"Well...", Chowder hesitated, "no. Show us to your beds."

As they walked, Panini talked to Chowder about her life in the Castle.

"I'm afraid our life must seem very dull and quiet compared to yours. We are but eightscore young blondes and brunettes, all between sixteen and nineteen-and-a-half, cut off in this castle, with no one to protect us. It is a lonely life, with doing nothing but bathing, dressing, undressing, making exciting underwear..."

"What's exciting underwear?" Phineas asked Ferb.

"I don't know", said Ferb.

"We're just not used to knights", Panini told Chowder as they entered the bedroom. "Here, lie here."

Chowder tested the bed. "It is comfy!"

It was so comfy, that Hubert, Hamish and Harris started jumping up and down on it. As they jumped, they flipped Chowder over, revealing a tear in the sleeve of Chowder's armor. A bit of blood was there, too.

"You're wounded!" Panini said in worry.

Chowder looked at the wound. "It's nothing."

"You must be treated immediately", Panini said as she clapped her hands, summoning two girls in short white dresses and nurse caps. The first is called Hello Nurse, and the other is called Rapunzel.

"They're doctors?" Ferb asked.

"They have a basic medical training", Panini said as Chowder tried to flee. Panini noticed Chowder and put him back down. "You must rest. Dr. Hello Nurse, Dr. Rapunzel, practice your art."

Rapunzel rubbed Chowder's feet as Hello Nurse put aside Chowder's sword and shield. The other men watched.

"Are you sure this is necessary?" Chowder asked.

"We gotta examine you", Hello Nurse said.

Rapunzed lifted the bed sheet and started to feel the pelvis.

"Nothing wrong there!" Chowder said.

"We're doctors", Rapunzel said. "We know what's going on."

Then, Chowder realized they were trying to do him!

"No! This cannot be! I'm sworn to chastity!"

"Get back on the bed!" Hello Nurse ordered.

"Torment me no longer! I've seen the Grail!"

"What Grail?" Rapunzel asked.

Chowder made a break through a door.

"I have seen it! I HAVE SEEN IT! _**I HAVE**_..."

"Hello!" said a chorus of girls. Chowder had run into the girls' bathing room! The other men followed suit. Chowder found another door, and guess who was at the end of it-a girl who had green skin, pink hair and a blue dress.

"Panini?" Chowder asked.

"No", the girl said, "I am Panini's friend, Marmalade."

"Oh", Chowder said, as he tried to get through the door."

"Where are you going?" Marmalade asked.

"We seek the Grail!" Phineas said. "And we've seen it, here in this very castle!"

Then, Marmalade remembered something-Panini always lit up a Grail above the castle to lure men in!

"Oh no", Marmalade said in horror. "Oh, no! Bad, bad Panini!"

"What's wrong?" Ferb asked.

"Oh, wicked, bad, naughty Panini!" Marmalade said angrily. "She has been lighting up our beacon, which I just remembered is grail shaped. It's not the first time we had this problem."

"Wait", Chowder said, "you're telling me that _wasn't _the Grail?"

"Oh, wicked, bad, naughty, evil Panini!" Marmalade cried. "She's a bad person and must pay the penalty."

Then, Marmalade, Chowder, Phineas, Ferb, and the triplets turned toward you.

"Do you think this chapter should have been cut?" Marmalade asked you. "We were so worry when Matt was writing it. But now, we're glad! I think it's better than the previous chapters."

* * *

We cut to Axel, Xigbar and Xemnas, as Axel shot back "At least _ours_ was better visually."

Then, we see Truffles and Mung in the mud. "At least ours was committed", Truffles said. "It wasn't just a long string of doing-it jokes."

"Get on with it!" yelled an old crab named Eugene Krabs (who we're not supposed to meet until next chapter).

"Yes!" cried a wizard named Merlin (who we're also not supposed to meet until later). "Get on with it!"

**_"YEAH, GET ON WITH IT!"_ **yelled an army of knights.

* * *

"I am loving this scene!" Marmalade said happily.

* * *

"GET ON WITH IT!" boomed God.

* * *

Marmalade sighed as she and the men walked toward the bathing room.

"Oh, wicked, wicked Panini!" Marmalade said. "She must the pay the penalty, and here in Castle Thumbtax, we have one punishment for lighting the Grail-shaped beacon: tying the lighter down on a bed, and **spanking** her!"

"A spanking! A spanking!" cheered the girls.

"You must spank Panini well", Marmalade said. "And after you have spanked with, deal with her as you wish. And then...spank me."

"And spank me!" cried a girl.

"And me!" called another.

"And me!" yelled another.

"Yes", Marmalade said, "give us all a good spanking!"

"A spanking!" cheered the girls. "A spanking! There's gonna be a spanking!"

"And after the spanking, the really naughty stuff!"

"Ooh, the really naughty stuff!" squealed the girls. They've never done the really naughty stuff before.

"Well", Chowder said, "I guess I could..."

"WAIT, SIR CHOWDER!" Stewie called.

"Sir Stewie?" Chowder asked. "Is that you?"

"Yeah", Stewie said, "it's me!" Also with him were Dani, as well as two people we're not supposed to meet till later-Lisa and Bart Simpson. "Anyways, let's get you outta here! You're in peril!"

"No, he isn't!" Marmalade said.

"Shut it, foul temptress!" Stewie snapped. "Quick, Chowder, we'll cover your escape!"

"Dude", Chowder said, "there's only 150 of them. I'll beat em easy!"

"Yes", Marmalade called, "let him beat us easy!"

"No!" Stewie said.

And with that, they exited.

"Drat!" Marmalade said.

* * *

**OUTSIDE THE CASTLE**

Lisa and Bart were dragging Chowder along as Stewie scolded him.

"We were in the nick of time", Stewie said, "you were in great peril."

"I don't think I wasn't", Chowder said.

"Yes you were." Stewie said. "You were in terrible peril."

"Look, let me go back in there and face the peril." Chowder begged, meaning he did wanted to make love to the other girls.

"No, it's too perilous." Stewie said.

"Look, it's my duty as a knight to sample as much peril as I can or whatever." Chowder said.

"No, we've got to find the Holy Grail. Come on!" Stewie said.

"Well, let me have just a little bit of peril?" Chowder asked.

"No", Stewie rebutted, "it's unhealthy."

Angry, Chowder said, "I bet you're gay!"

There was an awkward silence, before Stewie meekly replied, "No, I'm not."

* * *

Well, we've got a mystery to solve over the course of the story-is Stewie gay? Well, we'll have to find out later, because up next, it's Scene 24! Stay tuned!


	12. Scene 24 and Spam

Now then, here comes a chapter featuring a sketch from Monty Python's Flying Circus!

* * *

Sir Stewie had saved Sir Chowder from almost certain temptation, but they were still no nearer the Grail. Meanwhile, King SpongeBob and Sir Jimmy, not more than a swallow's flight away had discovered something.

* * *

We see Patrick outside a hut.

Oh, that's an unladen swallow's flight, obviously. I mean, they were more than two laden swallow's flights away, four really, if they had a coconut on a line between them. I mean, if the birds were walking and dragging...

_**"GET ON WITH IT!"** _yelled the army from last chapter.

Oh, anyway, on to Scene 24 which is a smashing scene with lovely acting, and in which, there aren't any swallows, although I think you can hear a starling...(narrator gets bonked on head)

* * *

SpongeBob and Jimmy were inside the hut with an old soothsayer they call Eugene Krabs.

"And this enchanter of whom you speak", SpongeBob asked, "he's seen the Grail?"

"Yes", Krabs said.

"Where does he live?"

Krabs just laughed.

"Where does he live?"

"Me boy", Krabs said, "he knows of a cave, a cave of which no man has entered."

"And the Grail's in there?"

"There's much danger, for beyond the cave lies the Gorge of Eternal Peril, which no man has ever crossed."

"But where is the Grail?"

"Seek ye the Bridge of Death."

"And does that lead to the Grail?"

The old man just cackled as he and the hut disappeared.

* * *

SpongeBob, Jimmy, Matt, Merida, Candace and Patrick were riding around.

"Hey SpongeBob", Patrick said, "I'm getting hungry."

"We all are!" Candace said.

Then, they noticed a restaurant to their left.

"Well that's convinient", Matt said.

* * *

**INSIDE THE RESTAURANT**

"Morning", said...Krabs?

"Hey", Jimmy asked, "aren't you the old man from Scene 24?"

"I am", Krabs said, "for besides being a soothsayer, I also run this restaurant."

"Well", Merida asked, "what's on the menu?"

"Well", Krabs replied, "there's egg and bacon; egg sausage and bacon; egg and spam; egg, bacon and spam; egg, bacon, sausage and spam; spam, bacon, sausage and spam; spam, egg, spam, spam, bacon and spam; spam, spam, spam, egg and spam; spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, baked beans, spam, spam, spam and spam; or Lobster thermidor aux crevettes with a mornay sauce garnished with truffle pâté, brandy and with a fried egg on top and spam."

"Egg and spam", SpongeBob said.

"Spam, spam, bacon and spam", Patrick said.

"Egg, sausage, bacon and spam", Jimmy said.

"Egg and bacon", Matt said.

"Spam, spam, spam, egg and spam", Merida said.

Yes, if you couldn't tell, the guys have just ordered...except for Candace.

"Do you have anything without spam in it?" Candace asked.

"Well", Krabs replied, "spam, egg, sausage and spam doesn't have much spam in it."

"I don't want _any_ spam."

"Why can't you have bacon, egg, sausage and spam?" Matt asked his sister.

"It has spam in it!"

"Not as much as spam, egg, sausage and spam."

"OK", Candace said turning to Krabs, "could I have egg, bacon, sausage and spam without the spam?"

"Yuck!" was the response.

"What do you mean yuck? I don't like spam!"

And now, for some reason, the guys have broken into song:

SpongeBob, Patrick and Jimmy: _**Spam, spam, spam, spam**_

_**Spam, spam, spam, spam**_

_**Spammity spam! Wonderful spam!**_

_**Lovely spam! Wonderful spam!**_

"Shut up!" Krabs yelled to the three singers, before turning back to Candace. "You can't have egg, bacon, sausage and spam without spam."

_**"I DON'T LIKE SPAM!"**_yelled Candace.

"Calm down, Candace", Merida said. "If you don't want your spam, I'll have it. I love it! Krabs, I'm changing my order. I'm gonna order spam spam spam spam spam spam spam beaked beans, spam spam spam and spam!"

"Baked beans are off", Krabs told her.

"Well then, could I have her spam then?"

"Oh, so that means it'll change the order to spam, spam, spam, spam..."

But once again, everyone started singing.

SpongeBob, Patrick and Jimmy: _**Spam, spam, spam, spam. **_

_**Lovely spam! Wonderful spaaam! **_

_**Lovely spam! Wonderful spam. **_

_**Spa-a-a-a-a-a-a-am! Spa-a-a-a-a-a-a-am! **_

_**Spa-a-a-a-a-a-a-am! Spa-a-a-a-a-a-a-am! **_

_**Lovely spam! Lovely spam! **_

_**Lovely spaaam!**_

_** Spam, spam, spam, spaaaaam!**_

Then, we see a foot kick out SpongeBob, Patrick and Jimmy.

"Well", SpongeBob said, "might as well continue our quest. Matt, Merida and Candace will have to catch up later."

* * *

Up next, a confrontation with the dreaded Hyenas who Say Ni!


	13. Ni!

It's time to meet the dreaded Hyenas of Ni!

* * *

SpongeBob, Patrick and Jimmy were trying to navigate through the forest when all of a sudden, they heard..."Ni!"

They had come face to face with three hyenas, one who constantly laughed.

"Who are you?" SpongeBob asked.

"We are the Hyenas who Say...Ni!" said the first one.

"No!" SpongeBob cried in horror. "Not the Hyenas who Say Ni!"

"The same!" the second one snapped.

"Who are thee?" Jimmy asked.

"I am Shenzi!" the first one said.

"I am Banzai!" the second one said.

"And this is...Ed!" said Shenzi and Banzaid.

Ed just laughed.

"Anyways", Shenzi said, "we are the keepers of the sacred words Ni, Peng and Neee-wom!"

"Those who hear them seldom live to tell the tale", SpongeBob told Jimmy.

"The Hyenas who Say Ni! demand a sacrifice!" Banzaid told the knights.

"Oh, Hyenas of Ni, we are just simple travelers who seek the enchanter who lives beyond these woods",

Then, all the hyenas started saying _**"Ni!" **_to the poor knights until they begged them to stop.

"We'll say Ni again if you don't please us", Shenzi warned.

"What do you want?" SpongeBob asked.

"We want..." Banzai said.

"...a shrubbery!" Shenzi and Banzai said as a scary chord was played.

"A what?" SpongeBob asked.

Once again, the hyenas said _**"Ni!"** _until SpongeBob begged them to stop.

"OK, we get it!" SpongeBob said. "We'll get you a shrubbery."

"You must return with a shrubbery or else you'll never pass through this wood alive", Shenzi said.

"Hyenas of Ni", SpongeBob said, "you're just and fair. We'll get you a shrubbery."

"One that looks nice", Banzai told him.

"And not too expensive", Shenzi told him.

"Yes", SpongeBob said.

"Now...go!" the hyenas said as Ed laughed.

* * *

So, off they rode on their quest to find a shrubbery. But the trip could take weeks, or months, or maybe even...

"HEY!" called a voice. "Down here!"

The voice was coming from..Sandy!

What are you doing here?

"I'd like a word with you", Sandy said. "It comes to my understanding that you wrote me out of the story!"

What? That's insane! It's like Orange Ratchet and JusSonic doing the same thing with Beulah and Kimi, in their fanmakes of _Monty Python and the Holy Grail_. So, don't worry, Sandy, you'll be doin' somethin' soon.

"I don't believe you", Sandy said. "Besides, what'd you do with my part, huh?"

What?

Sandy: _**Whatever happened to my part?**__**  
**__**It was exciting at the start.**__**  
**__**Now we're halfway through Part 2**__**  
**__**And I've had nothing yet to do.**__**  
**__**I've been offstage for far too long**__**  
**__**It's ages since I had a song.**__**  
**__**This is one unhappy Diva**__**  
**__**The producers have deceived her.**__**  
**__**There is nothing I can sing from my heart.**__**  
**__**Whatever happened to my part?**__**  
**__**I am sick of my career**__**  
**__**Always starting second gear**__**  
**__**Up to here, with frustration and with fears.**__**  
**__**I've no Grammys no Rewards,**__**  
**__**I've no Tony Awards,**__**  
**__**I'm constantly replaced with Britney Spears****!**_

Everyone else: _**Britney Spears!**_

Sandy: _**Whatever happened to my show?**__**  
**__**I was a hit, now I don't know.**__**  
**__**I'm with a bunch of idiot knights,**__**  
**__**Prancing 'round in woolly tights.**__**  
**__**I might as well go to the Shrink**__**  
**__**They're now out searching for a drink**__**  
**__**Out shopping for a Pack**__**  
**__**Well they can kiss my Tail**__**  
**__**It seems to me you've really lost the plot**__**  
**__**Whatever happened to my...**__**  
**__**I'm gonna call my agent, dang it**__**  
**__**Whatever happened to my...**_

"Not yours..." Sandy said, pointing to the reader.

_**but my...**_

_**part?!**_

Well, don't worry, you will become part of the story again soon. I promise.

"Fine", Sandy said, "you win. See ya soon."

* * *

Thank God we got that outta the way. And now, stay tuned for the next part involving the Tale of Sir Stewie!


	14. The Tale of Sir Stewie

It's time for yet another tale of a knight. This is

* * *

**THE TALE OF SIR STEWI-**

BANG! BOOM! BANG! BOOM!

Matt shook his head as he sighed. He got out of his seat and went downstairs, and looked outside to see the sun and the moon hopping around.

"HEY! Keep it down, will ya!" he yelled.

The sun and moon then ran off as everything was now set in darkness.

Satisfied, Orange then proceeded to write the title chapter.

* * *

**THE TALE OF SIR STEWIE**

We see a castle on a swamp. Staring out the window is a yellow-skinned kid with spiky hair, a red shirt and blue shorts. He's Prince Bart Simpson, next in line to the throne of Swamp Castle. He was being forced to get married as according to his father's wishes. The problem is, he didn't want to get married. His father, known as Homer Simpson, set up limitations and rules around the castle, which made Bart grieve in sadness. He looked out her window and started to sing.

Bart: **_Where are you? _****_Where are you?_**

**_Where are you my heart's desire?_**

**_My heart is true, but where are you?_**

**_Only you can quench the fire..._**

**_Where are you?_**

**_Where are..._**

"BART! I BETTER NOT BE HEARING YOU SING UP THERE!" yelled a man's voice. And up ran a fat man with a white shirt, blue pants, a cape and a crown. He's King Homer Simpson, king of Swamp Castle.

"Anyways", Homer said, "one day, my boy, all this will be yours!"

"The curtains?" Bart asked, confused.

"No, not the curtains. All you can see, over the hills and valleys. This will be your kingdom!"

"But mom..."

"Dad."

"Dad, I don't want any of that."

"Listen, Bart, I built this kingdom up from nothing. When I started here, all there was was swamp. Other kings said I was daft to build a castle on a swamp, but I built it all the same, just to show them."

Homer looked around sheepishly. "It sank into the swamp. So, I built a second one...that also sank into the swamp. So, I built a third one...which burned. And _then _it sank into the swamp. But this, the one we're standing in right now, it stayed up! And that is what you're getting my boy!"

"But I don't want this castle. I want..."

"You want what?"

"I want...to...sing!" Bart opened his mouth, but was stopped by Homer.

"Stop the music!" Homer yelled. "You're not singing while I'm here! Now listen, Bart, in twenty minutes, you're getting married to a girl whose father owns the biggest tracts of open land of Toondon!"

"But I don't want land."

"Listen, Milhouse..."

"Bart!"

"Bart...we live in a freakin' swamp. We've got all the land we need!"

"But I don't like her."

"Don't like her?!" Homer asked, slapping Bart. "What's not to like? She's beautiful, she's rich, she's got huge...tracts of land."

"I know", said Bart, "but I want the girl I marry to have a certain...something", Bart said as the music started up again.

"Cut it out!" Homer yelled at the orchestra. "Look, you're getting married to the Princess, so you'd better get used to the idea! Guards! Make sure the Prince doesn't leave this room until I come get him!"

Two guards, Lenny and Barney, who are also Homer's best friends, came in. Barney was drunk, so he just hiccuped.

"Got it", said Lenny, "he's not to leave the room even if you come and get him."

"No, until I come get him."

"So, until you come get him, we're not to enter the room."

"No, you stay in the room until I get him."

"And you'll come get him."

"Right!"

"We don't have to do anything, just stop him from entering."

"No, stop him from leaving."

"Oh, right."

"Got it?"

"Yep."

Then, Homer started to leave, but Lenny and Barney started to leave, too.

"Where are you going?" asked Homer.

"We're coming with you", Lenny said.

"No, no, I want you to stay here and make sure he doesn't leave."

"But dad..." Bart began.

"Shut your face and get your suit on!" Homer ordered, pointing to a suit near Bart's bed. And with that, he turned and exited.

Bart looked out the window and began to sing.

Bart: _**Where are you?**_

"And don't sing!" Homer yelled, popping his head back in.

Barney hiccuped.

"And you should get some water", Homer said calmly to Barney.

Bart was unhappy about the whole thing. He just wanted to be free and sing, but his father wouldn't allow it. So, he wrote a message, tied it to an arrow, and fired it out the window.

* * *

Meanwhile, Sir Stewie was "riding" along as Dani (the girl you met in Chapter 9), banged the coconuts.

Just then the arrow that Bart sent hit Dani straight at the heart.

"Message for you, sir!" Dani said as he collapsed onto the ground.

Stewie ran over and shook her. "Dani! Speak to me!" Stewie then took the note off of the arrow and opened it."

_"To whoever finds this note, I have been imprisoned by my father, who wishes me to marry against my will! Please, please, please come and rescue me!" _Stewie read as he gasped in horror. " _"I am in the tall tower of Swamp Castle!" _He dropped the note ands miled, thinking that the person who wrote it are two princesses and smiled, "At last! A call, a cry of distress! This could be a sign that leads us to the Holy Grail!" He turned to Dani, "Brave, brave Dani! You shall not have died in vain!"

"Uh, I'm-I'm not quite dead, sir." Dani said.

"Well, you shall not have been mortally wounded in vain!" Stewie said.

"Uh, I-I think uh, I could pull through sir." Dani said, telling him he's getting better.

"Oh, I see." Stewie said.

"Actually, I think I'm alright to come with you." Stewie stopped Dani as he said, "No, no, Dani! Stay here! I will send help as soon as I have accomplished a daring and heroic rescue in my own particular…" he sighed trying to remember the word.

"Idiom, sir?" asked Dani.

"Idiom!" Stewie said. "Farewell, Dani!"

And off he rode.

* * *

**ONE BRIEF TOTAL DEATH MONTAGE LATER**

* * *

Bart was prepared to send another note, as his sister Lisa entered.

"Dad forcing you into marraige again?" Lisa asked.

"Yes", Bart answered, as Stewie and Dani runs up the spiral staircase leading up to the top of the Tall Tower. Once they burst into the room, Lenny points toward them and tries to remember his orders.

"Now, you're not allowed to enter the room-" Lenny started, before Stewie killed him with the sword.

"O fair one," Stewie said, "behold your humble servant, Sir Stewie of Toonelot. I have come to take y-" Stewie then looks up at Bart and looks in his eyes. Stewie was immediately repulsed as he said, "WHAT THE... oh, I'm sorry... is this the right room? I'm terribly sorry!"

"Hi there," Dani smiled, looking over at Bart. "I'm Dani... friend of Sir Stewie's."

Bart stared bewilderedly at Stewie and Dani until he remembered the second note tied to an arrow he was holding in his hand.

"You've gotten my note!" Bart said, enthusiastic. "I knew someone would come. I knew that somewhere out there, there must be..." Bart smiled.

**_Here are you,_**_**  
**_**_Here are you,_**_**  
**_**_Here are you, brave Sir Stewie..._**

"Stop that! Stop that! Stop it! Stop it!" Homer yelled as the music starts to die.

Homer frowned as he turned to Stewie and Dani. "Who are you?"

"I'm your son!" Bart frowned.

"No, not you," Homer frowned.

Stewie blinked as he said, "I am Sir Stewie, and this is my friend Dani."

Bart frowned as he stood up. "They've come to rescue me, Dad."

Homer frowned as he turned to Stewie. "Did you kill all those guards?"

"Well, it was nothing, really..." Stewie started to explain.

"Nothing; they cost fifty pounds each!" Homer yelled.

Stewie tried to back down. "Well, I'm awfully sorry. Um, I really can explain everything."

Lisa pushed Stewie and Dani as she said, "Don't be afraid of him! Bart's got a rope all ready and everything!"

Bart nods as he pulls out some rope and ties it to her bedpost.

"You killed eight wedding guests in all!" Homer yelled.

"For a total of 1200 points; 5436 points for the entire massacre." Ferb said, popping up out of nowhere.

Stewie snapped his fingers. "Damn! And I almost had enough experience points to reach the next level, too."

"What the hell, man?" Homer frowned.

"I'm really sorry about all this. You see, I thought your son was a girl", Stewie explained.

"I totally understand your mistake."

Lisa and Bart, in the meantime, were about ready to climb out. "Hurry, Sir Stewie; Hurry!"

"Shut up!" Homer said sternly to Bart and Lisa before he turned back to Stewie and Dani. "You only killed the groom's father, that's all!"

Stewie sheepishly said, "Well, I really didn't mean to..."

"Didn't mean to? You put your sword right through his head!" Homer yelled.

"Oh, dear; is he all right?" Dani gulped.

Homer sarcastically said, "Oh, sure. Lots of people go around getting swords shoved through their heads all the time. They get a real kick out of it. It even clears up their sinuses. You even kicked the groom in the chest! This is going to cost me a fortune!" Homer frowned.

"Well, I can explain." Stewie started. "Me and my friend Dani, we were riding in the forest, um, riding north from Toonelot, when I got this note, you see-"

Homer then stopped and turned to Jake and Lilo, "You're from Toonelot?"

The two kids gasped as they looked up. "Hurry, brave knights!"

Stewie ignored them as he continued. "Uh, I am a Knight of King SpongeBob, Sir."

Homer was even more interested now. "Oh my gosh, yeah, I LOVE Toonelot, it's very good land!"

"Hurry; I'm ready!" Bart called.

Homer smiled as he looked at the two and said, "Would any of you, uh, like to come and have a drink?"

Stewie was pleasantly surprised. "Well, that... that's, uh, awfully nice of you..."

"I am ready!" Lisa called.

As the brave knights walked out, Homer walks over to the rope that the kids had tied to Bart's bed, and drew his knife and cuts through the rope in one swipe. Bart and Lisa screamed as they started to fall. Jake, Hercules, Sora and Kairi turn back in surprise, with Lilo just staring wide-eyed.

* * *

Downstairs, everyone was mourning. But when Stewie came down, a voice called, "There he is!"

"Oh hell no", Homer groaned.

"He killed the best man!" yelled a guest.

"That dude is stealing my husband!" the princess said as the crowd agreed.

Homer said, "Hold it! Hold it! This is Sir Stewie from the court of Toonelot: a very brave and influential knight and my special guest here today."

"Hello." Stewie said.

"He killed my auntie!" a kid yelled.

To silence the shouting crowd Homer announced, "Please, please! This is supposed to be a happy occasion! Let's not bicker and argue about who killed who. We are here today to witness the union of four young people in the joyful bond of the holy wedlock. Unfortunately, one of them, my son, Prince Bart, has just fallen to his death. But I don't want to think I've lost a son, so much as I gained a daughter." The princess smiled at this.

"Anyways, for the tragic death of the princess' father…" Homer began again.

"He's not quite dead!" the kid said, seeing the neighboring king getting up.

"Since the near fatal wounding of her father." Homer tried again.

"He's getting better!" the kid said.

"For, since her own father…who when he seemed about to recover, suddenly, felt the icy hand of death upon him-" As Homer spoke, he got cut off when the guards accidentally killed the princess' father.

"Oh, he's died!" the kid said.

"And I want his only daughter and son to look upon me…as their own dad…in a very real, and legally binding sense." And I feel sure that the merger…uh, the union between the Princess and the brave, but dangerous Sir Stewie of Toonelot."

"What?" Stewie asked in shock.

"Look! The dead prince!" a guest yelled as he saw Dani, carrying Bart and Lisa into the room.

"He's not quite dead!" Dani said.

"Oh, I feel much better." Bart said.

"You fell out of the tall tower, you creeps!" yelled Homer.

"No, we were saved at the last minute." Lisa said. "So did we miss anything?"

"How?"

"Well, I'll tell you…" Bart said as music started to play. Homer gasped, realizing what this meant.

"Not like that! Not like that!" Homer gasped.

Too late.

Guests:_** They're going to tell**_

_**They're going to tell!**_

"Shut up!" Homer said, but they ignored him.

_**They're going to tell!**_

_**They're going to tell!**_

_**They're going to tell!**_

_**They're going to tell!**_

_**They're going to tell!**_

_**They're going to tell**_

"Quickly, sir! Come this way!" Dani said.

"No, it's not right for my idiom", Stewie said. "I must escape more…"

**_They're going to tell about their great escape!_**

"Dramatically?" Dani asked.

"Dramatically!" Stewie announced.

_**Oh, they fell a long, long way**_

_**But they're here with us today!**_

_**What a wonderful escape!**_

Stewie swung about the crowd on a rope, but sadly missed the window.

Suddenly, Homer, angrier than ever, appeared with a spear and headed for...the kids! Seeing this, Stewie jumped down from his rope and right in front of homer!

"I can't believe you!" Stewie said, emotionally. "These are your own children, and you try to kill them! All they wanted was just a little love and compassion, but no, you failed to give them that. Just give them a little love for once. Is that too much to ask?"

Shocked about this, Homer quietly asked. "Are you gay?"

"Close, but no", Stewie said. "I'm half-straight, and half-gay. In other words, bi. I'm attracted to females as I am to males, and vice versa."

"Besides", Bart piped up, "the only gay one around here is Lisa's friend, Carly!"

All of a sudden, Carly (from iCarly), who was one of the guests at the wedding, came out.

"What?" Carly asked. "I am not!"

"Yes, you are", Bart said. "Besides, there were various hints that you and Sam could be gay all throughout your show. Besides, I think Sam's already a lesbian."

"It's true!" Sam said. Then, she turned to Carly.

Sam:**_ Carly, you might as well just fess up_**

**_Really, you're a different kind of girl_**

**_Move aside your scabbard_**

**_for underneath your tabbard_**

**_there is waiting to escape a butterfly!_**

And with that, Bart tore off Carly's dress to reveal things a lesbian would wear. It was official-Carly was a lesbian. Dancing men with poofy sleeves came out and began to sing.

Carly: _**Her name is Carly-alot**_

_**And in tight pants a lot**_

_**She likes to dance a lot**_

_**You know you do**_

"I do?" Carly asked.

_**So just say thanks a lot**_

_**and try romance...it's hot!**_

_**Let's find out who's really you!**_

_**Her name is Carly-alot**_

_**She visits France a lot**_

_**She likes to dance a lot**_

_**and dream**_

_**No one would ever know**_

_**that this outrageous flow**_

_**Bats for the other team**_

Bart appeared, wearing a fruit hat. Sam also was there, in a sombrero.

Bart: _**You're a chick who really likes her nightlife**_

_**and by day, you really like to play (if you know what I mean)**_

_**You**** can all find her pumping at the gym**_

_**at the Toonelot YMCA!**_

A big dance break followed as Carly and Sam happily danced around.

All: _**Her name is Carly-alot**_

_**Just watch her dance a lot**_

_**She doesn't care what people say**_

"No way!" cried Carly, snuggling close to Sam.

_**For when she starts to dance**_

_**just grab your underpants**_

Bart and Sam: _**She can finally come out and say that**_

_**she is G-A-Y-M-C-A!**_

_**She's gay!**_

"Okay!" Carly said, happily, as she and Sam kissed as the song ended.

Back over to Homer, Lisa, Stewie and Dani, they were shocked.

"Good thing this fanfic is already rated T."

"Now then", Stewie said, once again grabbing the rope, "I'm off! See you guys in the wedding finale!"

"Bye!" Bart, Dani, Lisa, Carly and Sam called.

"And thank you for letting me see the real me!" Carly called.

And Stewie swung off, and missed the window again.

"Could one of you guys push me, please?"

* * *

And thus ends this really long chapter. Stewie is bi, Carly and Sam are lesbians and all turns out well. Up next, will SpongeBob, Patrick and Jimmy find a shrubbery? Stay tuned!


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